am I Judas?

His tragic story is proof - no one can serve two masters. You can't worship both God and money.

I've lived through 32 Holy Weeks now. Every year, I find myself to be a conglomeration of emotions. I've preached many Easter sermons and written lots of Lenten bible studies. Some of them I can't stumble through without crying, some years I'm honestly just a little emotionally numb from all the overtime. I've read this Easter story so many times, and yet I know haven't even scratched the surface of all that God wants to awaken in my heart & soul in this recurring passion week.

This week as I'm reading through the gospels, I've been reflecting much on Judas Iscariot. I'm not entirely sure why - he's not a character I normally gravitate toward or even think very much about. I feel sad for him and I generally move on. However, this time around the sun feels different. This year, I am wholly convinced of the fact that Judas might actually be me and I am him. Perhaps I was too naive to see it before? Too optimistic for my own good (definitely tracks with my personality...)? I may have previously identified with Peter in the passion narrative, and even the disciples who ran away and were nowhere to be found while their best friend was beaten and killed - but never Judas. Not really.

Judas was one of Jesus' disciples, walking and learning and living with him for several years. We know that from the get go, Judas - who would later betray Jesus, giving up his location to the religious leaders for 30 pieces of silver - is obsessed with money. In chapter 12 of his book, John tells us that Judas was the treasurer for their group, the 'keeper of the money bag,' but also tells us that Judas was a thief who would often help himself to their finances. I often wonder why Jesus chose Judas to be one of the Twelve. And I often wonder why on Earth Judas even stuck around so long. As someone who was obsessed with money, I can't imagine traveling with Jesus was easy for him. Jesus spoke about money a whole lot, and it was almost never positive. I would imagine Judas mentally & emotionally checked out after this teaching: “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also...No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money." Matthew 6:19-24 I wonder if, in his heart, Jesus was speaking right to Judas - hurting for him and yearning for him to have the ears to hear and heart to know that Jesus was inviting him to a new kind of life. "Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

That is such a nice verse for embroidering on pillows, but honestly a little less cute when we consider all of what Jesus is saying here. You physically cannot serve two masters. By definition, there can only be one "master." That's what the word means. At the end of the day, and at the end of our lives, we can choose only one: God or money. At the end of the road, Judas could only choose one. And it wasn't God. That's why Judas simply could not comprehend the woman who pours out her perfume on Jesus' feet as an act of worship (John 12). You can't worship God and money.

Over the past few years in particular, my eyes have been opened to see this reality: American is trying and failing to serve two masters. The god of the American church is money. I don't know how to say it any softer. I don't want it to be true. I really desperately wish it wasn't. But sadly, I just honestly have no other explanation for some of the things I've seen and experienced in the last 12 months, especially from Christians in the political arena. When did gas prices become more important to us than caring for our immigrant neighbors? I genuinely don't know the answer - unless...maybe it's always been inside us...because money is the subtle driving force behind all of our decision making, whether we even realize it or not. And though the church is called to be a set apart people who worship only one god, it would continue to seem as though we worship the dollar first and foremost. I have spent so much of my time this year grieving and lamenting and learning from this truth: we really are Judas.

Even more unfortunately, I am not exempt from these desires. Time and time again, I am faced with the truth that even my own heart seems bent toward obsessing over money. (Is it the echoes in my mind of all those Dave Ramsey courses in a previous life???) I worry about buying groceries, I worry about gas prices, I worry about inflation, I worry about never being able to afford a house. I want stocks and bonds and security and yet I hear the scriptures I memorized as a kid about something like "treasures in Heaven" coming back to me every now and again. I'd like to tell you that, just like the birds of the air, I do not worry about these things, but it'd just be a lie. God is still working on me. Though I do find that these worries are becoming less and less a formidable force in my life, when I honestly search my heart before God, I do find Him revealing this continuous battle with money for lordship of my life. I am Judas too. Like Judas, we, at some point, will have to stop pretending and make our choice. I'm reminded of Joshua's bold call to the Israelites at the end of his life. He said to them, “Now fear the Lord and serve him with all faithfulness. Throw away the gods your ancestors worshiped beyond the Euphrates River and in Egypt, and serve the Lord. But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord" (Joshua 24). The invitation to the church in 2025 is the same: throw away the gods of this land (money, power, technology) and serve the Lord. No one can serve two masters - either you hate the one and love the other, or love the one and hate the other. By the grace of God, may we have the power of Christ to choose well each and every day - for the sake of our neighbors and the world.